Memories

It has been a long time since I wrote my last blog, quite many people have asked me repeatedly that when would the next one come; however these are not just the reasons that I am writing this one. The primary reason is that I believe I should pen down my feelings for a dear friend, the friendship we shared a few years back and how it has changed over time………. Or has it?
I remember it conspicuously the exact place and hour we met, however I wouldn’t write it down here…. (There are reasons, would cite them here itself later). Her smile was the most beautiful thing that I had ever seen before then; is it still the most beautiful thing……I don’t know…. How did my opinion change…. And why…? Or did it even change? Let us see…..
When I first spoke to her, It was like talking to a heart that wishes me to be more open, more confident about myself and more fun-loving just like she herself was (in fact, ‘is’). It was like discussing the tiniest enjoyable detail of my daily life with my own heart. When we started talking more and more not only just over ‘calls’ and ‘chats’ but face – to – face, I began to realise that definitely something is different this time with my friendship. Somehow, I don’t just want to be friends with her, it is something more, something that I am unable to see right now and maybe I will if I spend some more time strengthening the bond between us. You might be thinking: did she also think about me similarly at that time? Did she also feel some sort of special attraction……. ? I don’t know….. I couldn’t ask her….. and I regret it……..

Time went along….. I admit I had always been focussed at my academics, quite many of my friends will agree to that, and of course I didn’t find it wrong at anytime, nor do I find it wrong now…….. but was it my lack of consciousness towards her feelings that I couldn’t ask her at the right time….? Or was it just a one sided belief……. Perhaps she didn’t think of me the same way…… or did she…..? Was I too focussed to take out time for her….?

Over the next year….. as the core exams came close by…. And we started talking and discussing more…….I became sure that it is definitely love……. Because if it was not love….. why would I anxiously wait for her replies to my messages? Why would I go berserk when there was a delay in her reply? Why would I feel a fire within when someone else talked to her? Why …. ? why….? Lots of whys……
It was infinitely blissful to be in her company, we shared so much, laughed together, cried together too......... These have been some of the most happy memories that I have cherished of those years……… I began to notice more of her inner beauty and elegance as I came to know her better. We used to talk about all sorts of things……. Her likes and dislikes, my preferences and things which I detest……. Common things in our views….. our views on our common friends…… ohh how opposite we were :) (in fact..’are’..) in terms of our choices……
I didn’t use to believe in the concept of ‘Opposites Attract’ ….. until the moment I met her….. :) :) It was an experience that I would love to relive again….. to return to the time…. Most importantly to tell her how much I loved her (or ‘love’ her?)….. and how much she meant to me…… how much I could do for her had she once said that ‘I love u’….
But did she really love me….? I didn’t know…. I couldn’t ask her then…. And I regret it….
But if she loved me….. she could have said so to me….? Couldn’t she…?
Hmm…. Maybe not….. maybe it was not so easy for her too…… maybe she was in the same dilemma as me…… the dilemma of retaining our blossoming friendship or vent out the true feelings in heart….. the dilemma of maintaining the career……
Well, our career definitely advanced and so did my love for her….. ( her love…? I don’t know…) …..


And that is how around a couple of years after that day, I mustered up the courage to tell her my true feelings …….. I proposed to her face – to – face as I have always considered…. (just like her….. well our views did match at certain aspects… :) )….that a straight face talk is the best one...... .
Was I nervous….? Well, to be fair….. yes……. I was…… I loved her from the bottom from my heart and more than anyone else who has ever loved in life……… (yes, I believe so…)
And I didn’t want to lose her…… As I uttered those ‘prime’ words to her….... I can’t tell u how it felt……. It was a very different feeling than any I had ever had……
I wanted her to say ‘Yes’ because I knew that this love is meant to be……. But
But
But

Perhaps some friendships are just meant to be good friendships …….
Maybe its true….
Maybe its not…….
Maybe that is the reason she told me that she is already in love with someone else…….
And I unable to hide the choking feeing in my heart……. Just broke off the conservation….. and said that now… we should leave…….
……
….
….
….
…
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Was it meant to be just till this…..? No… of course our friendship is still there…..
……
…
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But has my love for her died….?
I don’t think it can or it ever will…….. :) U may ask me how can I smile even after such an incident…..
And I would say…. What do u expect me to do….? Grab her and say.. that ..’ No, U are only mine….’ …….. I don’t want to build upon my dreams by running over her happiness…..
I had a choice, and I am happy today that I chose her happiness over mine at that moment…
Now come the answers……..
Am I happy today…? To be frank, ‘YES’ :) because…. I have lots of loving friends…. Caring and happy parents and brothers and sisters in my family… (as always)…… and life is bringing interesting and promising prospective…… (I will make sure it remains like this forever... :))
Did she love me at that time when I proposed ….? Probably not….. else she could have said…. (or was it still difficult…?)
Did she love me earlier….? I don’t know… I couldn’t ask …. And I regret it……
What has happened to my love for her….? It is still here in my heart … alive and warm as always and perhaps even more ……… (Why? ….. well…..lemme say something…..)
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…..
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Love is not about crying on petty aspects, It is about grand gestures……. It is about going on the road less taken even if u realize that it is painful…….. ( :)… I am still smiling..)
The following lines are not mine….. (but I have loved them so much just Iike I love u… )--
“Love is always patient and kind…. It is never jealous…. Love is never boastful or conceited….. It is never rude or selfish….. It does not take offence…. It is not resentful….. “
…..
I believe the same….. I can’t be angry with u….. and nor am I unhappy at the present…….
Agreed that it did hurt like a million broken glass pieces in my heart that day…. when we parted……
(Probably you could have told me earlier about ur love for some one else…….. Maybe it was not easy…… ahhh….. I can only guess….. I couldn’t ask you…… but why should it be difficult telling it to one of ur best friends…..? or was I no longer one of ur best friends at that time….. ? )
There are still some unanswered questions deep in my heart but I have removed them out today….. I am not looking for their answers as I am forever trying to live in the present….
I think that is the best regime …. :) (if there is one for life…)
Our friendship is still there but of course less talks and less thoughts …… (quite few, in fact….. if u notice….. as I have noticed….. )
But anyways…... u are happy where u are (I can see it… just like u do…) and of course I am…… ( I believe so…. :) ) ………
And my love…. (well, as I said…) is still there for u…. even more stronger that before…..
As I also feel that when u love someone, it should be unconditional ……
After all, it is my choice to love u….. ……. And yes…. ‘I love U’…. :) and always will…..